Misinformed Patients (and Zany Patient Stories)
Welcome readers! This is my first posting in 2018 on a medical topic, so I thought it would be nice to make it a fun one. My wife tells me that "everybody" is writing blog posts about Top 10 lists concerning 2017. With that in mind (and since everybody is doing it), I wanted to share the Top 7 things patients have told me recently that are completely misinformed or off the wall:
"The Flu Shot Gave Me The Flu"
Without a doubt, this is the number one misinformed thing patients tell me. And I hear this multiple times a week from September through January, from all sorts of patients (old and young, male and female). This will come up when I offer and recommend a seasonal influenza vaccine. At least 15-20% of patients will swear that the one time they had the flu shot, they got the flu immediately afterwards. I will explain that one can get the flu despite having the vaccine, but the subcutaneous vaccination itself is an inactive virus, and can not give you the flu. It is impossible.
"A Monster Is Living Inside of Me"
I had a very pleasant (but anxious) 50-something year old female see me concerned that a "parasite" (of sorts) was growing inside of her. She had seen a "Monsters Inside Me" episode on Animal Planet, and was freaked out. Her symptom was that a big blob of mucusy material was found in her underwear. I went through a very detailed history: she hadn't been swimming, gone to a lake, had any new sexual partners, etc. I had a hunch of what the issue was, but needed to do an exam first. The gynecologic exam was completely normal. So I asked the patient, "When was the last time you and your husband had intercourse?" She stated, "Well, we don't do it a lot, but I think it was a day or two before this slimy thing came out of me." "Do you use condoms?" I asked. "No," she states, as she is post-menopausal. So I had to break the news to her: the "Monster" inside of her was no more than her husband's ejaculate! Reassurance was given. I advised her to stop watching that TV show. Post-script: at a follow-up visit a few months later, she eagerly reported that she STILL hasn't had intercourse, and convinced herself that she never will again.
"The Chiropractor Got My Wife Pregnant"
I had a early 30 year old male patient who saw me for a sore throat or something non-serious like that, and mentioned that he sees the chiropractor regularly. He wanted to know my thoughts. I gave my usual response: if you are having musculoskeletal issues, and chiropractic care is helping, then by all means proceed. However, if your pains aren't improving despite 3 times a week sessions for weeks at a time, then perhaps your money could be better spent elsewhere. He stated he liked my answer, because he really believes in chiropractic medicine. He then proceeds to tell me that his wife is pregnant because of the chiropractor. I asked (jokingly) if his wife was sleeping with him! He laughed (thankfully) but went on to "explain" something like she didn't have enough metal in her body, because chiropractor gave her metal to hold in one hand, and wood to hold in the other, and he could push the arm with the metal down much easier. So he rubbed some type of metal piece on and across her body, and had her put some metal in her purse and now she's pregnant! He believed this hocus-pocus so much that I just left it at that. I have a suspicion that maybe the chiropractor gave her some wood in addition to the metal, you know?
"Birth Trauma Resurfaces 30 Years Later"
I very recently saw a patient who has anxiety, depression, and ADHD. He sees a therapist. He had a million issues he wanted to discuss, and was going on some tangent about how all his problems stem from his mother being small stature at 5 feet 2 inches, and that he was born weighing over 11 pounds. He said the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice when he was delivered. He said that the doctor told his mother at that time, that he would be fine as a child, but in his third decade of life, he would experience problems. Well, now he is in his early 30's and he has troubles focusing, is anxious, and depressed. I just had to stop him. I said, "Hold on. I need to interrupt. I don't doubt you have anxiety, depression, and ADHD. But to my knowledge, there is no medical condition that physicians need to be on the look-out just because a smaller woman gives birth to a larger baby, that there will be problems 30 years later." WELL, was that ever a mistake on my part! You would have thought I told him he's an SOB or something of the sort. His demeanor instantly changed. I could see the smoke billow from his ears. He clammed up. "I wouldn't be doing you any favors as your doctor if I didn't tell you the truth. To my knowledge, there is no condition that stems from any sort of birth trauma that wouldn't be apparent for 30 years." He then got very angry. "So you're saying I don't have any of the issues I say I have? So you say I'm a complete liar? All you doctors are so fucking smug. I hear the smugness in your tone. You are in the pharmaceutical companies' pockets. You just want to put all your patients on drugs..." He went on and on. I tried to explain, "Quite the opposite. You're not hearing me. I said the opposite. I said I believe you have those 3 medical issues. But it isn't from your birth." "I have frontal lobe damage!" he screamed. "That may be a possibility," I said. "Have you seen a neurologist for this? Have you had an MRI to confirm?" "My psychologist says I do, and the umbilical cord was wrapped twice around my neck," was his reply. "Again, you may very well have frontal lobe damage or other neurological issues, but to my knowledge if true, this likely would have shown itself prior to 30 years after your birth. I have delivered many babies with the cord wrapped around the neck. While there are definite instances of anoxic brain injury, simply having the cord around your neck doesn't necessitate that." Long story short, this guy threatened to report me (to whom, I don't know). He wanted to leave and end the visit. I told him he can do what he needs to do. In the end, he calmed down, and I finished the visit. We reached an understanding. He is going to followup with my partner (his previous doctor, but he had scheduled with me because I seemed more "understanding"). But my lesson learned: do not bring reality to somebody who isn't equipped to handle it. I think this guy's life narrative was that his issues are due to his "traumatic birth". I think his therapist had been reinforcing that thought. When I questioned it, he didn't understand anything from that point forward due to cognitive dissonance.
"Coricidin Is Too Expensive"
I have a hard working patient, in his mid 30's, married, with 4 young children. I see the whole family. He works in a cemetery, so I assume he doesn't make a lot of money. Of course I could be wrong. Nonetheless, he saw our nurse practitioner yesterday due to an upper respiratory infection / asthma exacerbation. She appropriately treated his issues, and recommended some over the counter cough syrup. The patient complained about the price. Now normally guiafenesin and dextromethorphan shouldn't be that expensive, but I understand if money is tight, then anything not in the budget hurts. However, this patient was playing on his new I-Phone X during the office visit. Doctors and nurse practitioners don't have much sympathy for patients complaining of expenses when they smoke two packs a day, or have the newest, most expensive cellphones, designer purses, Nike sneakers, new Mercedes, etc.
"My Wound Isn't Healing Despite Using Hydrogen Peroxide"
At least ten times a year I get patients who see me with a non-healing wound. Usually it is because of a laceration they have experienced. Sometimes it is a surgical excision. Inevitably, the reason why the skin isn't healing is because the patient is using hydrogen peroxide on it (H2O2) once, if not twice a day. Take note: using hydrogen peroxide PREVENTS healing. It destroys the fibrin molecules needed for scar tissue to form to heal wounds up. If you cut yourself, wash it with soap and water. If necessary, apply H2O2 once initially to help kill any bacteria, but do not apply it anymore.
"Use Your Words"
Any primary care doctor will ultimately not just treat the usual hypertension, diabetes, high cholesterol and back pain. We get the joy of diagnosing problems with poop. I prefer when the patient describes what his issues are (such as mucus strands, bleeding, unformed, etc.). This year I had the patient who must be an early technology adapter, because he took photos of his bloody bowel movements in the toilet for me to see. Actually, while gross, it is fairly helpful. And it is much better than the patient I had six years ago who was adamant that his stools were very loose. I said I believed him. But he wanted to show me, so he reaches into a bag to pull out a Cool Whip container to show me the specimen he brought. Gross! Regarding the guy with the cell phone, I hope he disinfects his IPhone before placing it back up to his face.
Those are the Top 7 misinformed / zany patient stories for 2017. Do you recognize yourself? I hope not. If you like articles about patients, doctors, and healthcare, follow me on Twitter here. And if you like articles on bourbon, rye, cocktails, barrel aging, and other intoxicants, follow me at the same link above. Stay healthy in 2018!
"The Flu Shot Gave Me The Flu"
Without a doubt, this is the number one misinformed thing patients tell me. And I hear this multiple times a week from September through January, from all sorts of patients (old and young, male and female). This will come up when I offer and recommend a seasonal influenza vaccine. At least 15-20% of patients will swear that the one time they had the flu shot, they got the flu immediately afterwards. I will explain that one can get the flu despite having the vaccine, but the subcutaneous vaccination itself is an inactive virus, and can not give you the flu. It is impossible.
"A Monster Is Living Inside of Me"
I had a very pleasant (but anxious) 50-something year old female see me concerned that a "parasite" (of sorts) was growing inside of her. She had seen a "Monsters Inside Me" episode on Animal Planet, and was freaked out. Her symptom was that a big blob of mucusy material was found in her underwear. I went through a very detailed history: she hadn't been swimming, gone to a lake, had any new sexual partners, etc. I had a hunch of what the issue was, but needed to do an exam first. The gynecologic exam was completely normal. So I asked the patient, "When was the last time you and your husband had intercourse?" She stated, "Well, we don't do it a lot, but I think it was a day or two before this slimy thing came out of me." "Do you use condoms?" I asked. "No," she states, as she is post-menopausal. So I had to break the news to her: the "Monster" inside of her was no more than her husband's ejaculate! Reassurance was given. I advised her to stop watching that TV show. Post-script: at a follow-up visit a few months later, she eagerly reported that she STILL hasn't had intercourse, and convinced herself that she never will again.
"The Chiropractor Got My Wife Pregnant"
I had a early 30 year old male patient who saw me for a sore throat or something non-serious like that, and mentioned that he sees the chiropractor regularly. He wanted to know my thoughts. I gave my usual response: if you are having musculoskeletal issues, and chiropractic care is helping, then by all means proceed. However, if your pains aren't improving despite 3 times a week sessions for weeks at a time, then perhaps your money could be better spent elsewhere. He stated he liked my answer, because he really believes in chiropractic medicine. He then proceeds to tell me that his wife is pregnant because of the chiropractor. I asked (jokingly) if his wife was sleeping with him! He laughed (thankfully) but went on to "explain" something like she didn't have enough metal in her body, because chiropractor gave her metal to hold in one hand, and wood to hold in the other, and he could push the arm with the metal down much easier. So he rubbed some type of metal piece on and across her body, and had her put some metal in her purse and now she's pregnant! He believed this hocus-pocus so much that I just left it at that. I have a suspicion that maybe the chiropractor gave her some wood in addition to the metal, you know?
"Birth Trauma Resurfaces 30 Years Later"
I very recently saw a patient who has anxiety, depression, and ADHD. He sees a therapist. He had a million issues he wanted to discuss, and was going on some tangent about how all his problems stem from his mother being small stature at 5 feet 2 inches, and that he was born weighing over 11 pounds. He said the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice when he was delivered. He said that the doctor told his mother at that time, that he would be fine as a child, but in his third decade of life, he would experience problems. Well, now he is in his early 30's and he has troubles focusing, is anxious, and depressed. I just had to stop him. I said, "Hold on. I need to interrupt. I don't doubt you have anxiety, depression, and ADHD. But to my knowledge, there is no medical condition that physicians need to be on the look-out just because a smaller woman gives birth to a larger baby, that there will be problems 30 years later." WELL, was that ever a mistake on my part! You would have thought I told him he's an SOB or something of the sort. His demeanor instantly changed. I could see the smoke billow from his ears. He clammed up. "I wouldn't be doing you any favors as your doctor if I didn't tell you the truth. To my knowledge, there is no condition that stems from any sort of birth trauma that wouldn't be apparent for 30 years." He then got very angry. "So you're saying I don't have any of the issues I say I have? So you say I'm a complete liar? All you doctors are so fucking smug. I hear the smugness in your tone. You are in the pharmaceutical companies' pockets. You just want to put all your patients on drugs..." He went on and on. I tried to explain, "Quite the opposite. You're not hearing me. I said the opposite. I said I believe you have those 3 medical issues. But it isn't from your birth." "I have frontal lobe damage!" he screamed. "That may be a possibility," I said. "Have you seen a neurologist for this? Have you had an MRI to confirm?" "My psychologist says I do, and the umbilical cord was wrapped twice around my neck," was his reply. "Again, you may very well have frontal lobe damage or other neurological issues, but to my knowledge if true, this likely would have shown itself prior to 30 years after your birth. I have delivered many babies with the cord wrapped around the neck. While there are definite instances of anoxic brain injury, simply having the cord around your neck doesn't necessitate that." Long story short, this guy threatened to report me (to whom, I don't know). He wanted to leave and end the visit. I told him he can do what he needs to do. In the end, he calmed down, and I finished the visit. We reached an understanding. He is going to followup with my partner (his previous doctor, but he had scheduled with me because I seemed more "understanding"). But my lesson learned: do not bring reality to somebody who isn't equipped to handle it. I think this guy's life narrative was that his issues are due to his "traumatic birth". I think his therapist had been reinforcing that thought. When I questioned it, he didn't understand anything from that point forward due to cognitive dissonance.
"Coricidin Is Too Expensive"
I have a hard working patient, in his mid 30's, married, with 4 young children. I see the whole family. He works in a cemetery, so I assume he doesn't make a lot of money. Of course I could be wrong. Nonetheless, he saw our nurse practitioner yesterday due to an upper respiratory infection / asthma exacerbation. She appropriately treated his issues, and recommended some over the counter cough syrup. The patient complained about the price. Now normally guiafenesin and dextromethorphan shouldn't be that expensive, but I understand if money is tight, then anything not in the budget hurts. However, this patient was playing on his new I-Phone X during the office visit. Doctors and nurse practitioners don't have much sympathy for patients complaining of expenses when they smoke two packs a day, or have the newest, most expensive cellphones, designer purses, Nike sneakers, new Mercedes, etc.
"My Wound Isn't Healing Despite Using Hydrogen Peroxide"
At least ten times a year I get patients who see me with a non-healing wound. Usually it is because of a laceration they have experienced. Sometimes it is a surgical excision. Inevitably, the reason why the skin isn't healing is because the patient is using hydrogen peroxide on it (H2O2) once, if not twice a day. Take note: using hydrogen peroxide PREVENTS healing. It destroys the fibrin molecules needed for scar tissue to form to heal wounds up. If you cut yourself, wash it with soap and water. If necessary, apply H2O2 once initially to help kill any bacteria, but do not apply it anymore.
"Use Your Words"
Any primary care doctor will ultimately not just treat the usual hypertension, diabetes, high cholesterol and back pain. We get the joy of diagnosing problems with poop. I prefer when the patient describes what his issues are (such as mucus strands, bleeding, unformed, etc.). This year I had the patient who must be an early technology adapter, because he took photos of his bloody bowel movements in the toilet for me to see. Actually, while gross, it is fairly helpful. And it is much better than the patient I had six years ago who was adamant that his stools were very loose. I said I believed him. But he wanted to show me, so he reaches into a bag to pull out a Cool Whip container to show me the specimen he brought. Gross! Regarding the guy with the cell phone, I hope he disinfects his IPhone before placing it back up to his face.
Those are the Top 7 misinformed / zany patient stories for 2017. Do you recognize yourself? I hope not. If you like articles about patients, doctors, and healthcare, follow me on Twitter here. And if you like articles on bourbon, rye, cocktails, barrel aging, and other intoxicants, follow me at the same link above. Stay healthy in 2018!
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